I Can’t Get This Laurie Out Of My Head

Arizona Border
Arizona Border

As I mentioned in a previous post I used to have another blog, Laurie-The-Traveler, that I lost due to credit card billing issues. Hostgator said they could not bring it back from the dead but I did find it on wayback. They had archived most of it. The following is a post I made on April 3rd, 2008. It’s all about a girl named Laurie Boncimino. I spent a long time reading about Laurie on her mom’s blog. Her story really affected me deeply. I still think about her all the time and wonder what went wrong. Her mom said in one of her posts that Laurie wrote a few dark posts in her diary and that those posts will always remain private. I’ve always wondered what those posts were talking about. On the surface she seemed so happy. But inside she was tormented by something. Here is the post I wrote a few years back.

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April 3rd, 2008 at 02:07am

Over the last 4-5 days I have been in a gigantic nostalgic mood. (actually it’s called a saudade mood but there are no words in the English language to describe saudade. Google saudade and read up.) Sometimes it just happens. Flood after flood of old memories assault me. Both good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant. Is this what happens when you grow older? After I watched Cinema Paradiso over the weekend I was reflecting on why so many take so much for granted. No one fully appreciates anything until it is gone. With that in mind I want to introduce you to someone you don’t know. She has the same name as little ol me. Laurie. Laurie Boncimino.

Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino

Laurie was born right around the same time when I first started working for myself. She was wearing diapers when I was making my first few independent dollars. She was learning to ride a bike when I first started to get heavy into computers. She was 10 years old when I made my frst sale on the internet. She was 11 when I spent the summer in Russia. She was 13 when I started to sell on Ebay. She was 16 when I spent the winter in Nepal. She was 19 when I spent the summer in Egypt. She was almost 21 when I was in England. When I was in Chicago in 2002 I probably passed within half a mile of her yet we never met. Why you ask. You see, I never even knew about Laurie until this weekend. I don’t even remember how the links took me to her website Laurie Boncimino but I ended up there and read all about Laurie and I read her mother’s blog Barb K that speaks of the last 3 years.

You see, Laurie took her own life 3 years ago. March 2, 2005. At a spot I was visiting 3 years previous almost to the day. There’s just something about this story that hit me hard. Real hard. Her mom has posted many pics of Laurie. Here’s one.

Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino

And another.

Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino

What could have driven Laurie to take her own life? This is the part that kills me. By all accounts she was happy, in college, engaged, employed. Her mother spoke of some journals they received later from the police that were in her car when it was impounded. Her mom said there were some pages written 3 weeks before to her fiancee and there were a few “darker” pages that Laurie wrote later that evidently went on to explain a little what she was feeling.

“…she is sorry, she is sorry, the pain, no way out, her pride, “I can not handle the stresses of this world…its not made for me.”

Quote from Laurie’s mother: “She left the house that day, saying, “Mom, have a great day. See you tonight. I love you.” Did she have her plan in mind then? It does not seem likely to me. What broke her spirit and her mind? Will I ever have all the pieces? Probably not…”

She had studied the last 3 days for a test she was having later that day. She met with her fiance that morning for coffee around 9am. She left a little later for school and her fiance got a text message in the afternoon around 3pm that she was studying for the 6pm exam. She never showed up for the exam. Her mother knew something was definitely wrong when she did not show up at 5am to open the Starbucks she managed.

2 days later police discovered her Jeep near the Art Institute. They discovered her jacket and cellphone behind Adler Planetarium later Friday. On Saturday they recovered her body from the lake not too far away from where her jacket and cellphone were found. It was 27 degrees that day. The water temperature was 33 degrees. Life expectancy in the freezing water was about 15-30 minutes. In her notes Laurie wrote she waited until dark.

Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino

In my mind I go back to when I was there. I remember how freezing cold and windy it was. I try to imagine what it was like that evening as the sun set. More than likely in that secluded area behind the planetarium Laurie was all alone with her thoughts. Sunset that day was at 5:41pm. By 6:30pm all remaining sunlight would have been gone. Darkness and a starry sky above were left. I am left with the thoughts how long did Laurie sit there before making that fateful decision.

Wings Of Desire

Did you ever see Wings Of Desire? In that movie there were two angels that spent their days listening to the thoughts of humans. Sometimes the humans could sense their presence when they were close by. I remember one scene when Cassiel came upon a woman contemplating suicide. She was so lonely and had no one to speak to. Cassiel leaned so close to her cheek while listening to her distressed thoughts. It was such a heart breaking scene.

Along those same lines I wish I could have been behind the planetarium that evening listening to Laurie’s thoughts. Oh how I wish I could have. For 30 minutes to be able to do what Cassiel could. To be able to feel what Laurie felt that dark evening. To be cheek to cheek with her listening to her thoughts as she senses another presence. She looks around and sees nothing. She is aware of something but dismisses it as her imagination. Laurie stands up, removes her jacket and walks to the water’s edge. It is at this point with Laurie standing there looking down at the water, tensing her muscles to jump, that I am allowed to become physical for a moment and call out her name “Laurie”. She freezes for a moment, turns around and asks who’s there. She’s puzzled because for the last few hours she has been alone at this spot. Now someone called her name. Someone close by knew who she was. But that’s impossible, there was no one there a moment ago. Hearing her thoughts I tell her “Yes Laurie, it is possible”.

Midnight, on the water
I saw the oceans daughter
Walking on a wave she came
Staring as she called my name.

Her eyes adjust and she can now see me. She says she doesn’t know me and asks who I am. I tell her I know her name is Laurie Boncimino and I also know why she has spent the last 7 hours down here. I tell her I also know what she was planning on doing 30 seconds ago. “WHO ARE YOU??”  I walk up to her, look into her eyes, hold my hand to her cheek and let my memories pass into her. In 15 seconds she sees who I am and she sees what would have taken place over the next week and over the next 50 years if she had jumped. A lifetime flashes by in seconds. Laurie experiences in 30 seconds what takes most people 50 years to experience. This can’t be real she says, this is some sort of trick, some sort of dream. Yes, that’s it, I’m dreaming all this. You are not real and I will wake up all alone like I was all afternoon. Once again I hold my hand to her cheek and Laurie sees what I see. “Then that means you…are……an……….”

Yes, Laurie, you are correct. I am. But when you go back no one will believe you. They will believe you were under too much stress and saw what you wanted to see. For even now if someone came by all they would see is a young woman standing alone in the dark talking to herself. You can see and hear me because for 30 minutes I was given an opportunity to make you understand what a difference you will make on the lives of people over the next 50 years. To make you understand there are forces of good hard at work in this world but it’s not always easy to see. To let you see for yourself there are other forces at work that do care very deeply about you and your pain. Forces that are so far beyond the physical that it takes something beyond words for you to see it.

When I pressed my hand to your cheek you looked through my eyes. What you saw for the briefest of moments is what I see everyday. You were allowed that vision because of where you were with your life and because you were seconds away from ending it. Not everyone is given that gift. It’s sad but very few are. You were. For the briefest of moments you glanced into the future and saw what you will become. After tonight you will never see me again but you will feel my presence for the rest of your life. When you return, if you decide to relate this story, it will be called a dream or hallucination by the well-meaning, things much worse by those with thorns in their paws. You know what you experienced and nothing will ever change that.

My time is short now Laurie. I just want you to know I heard all your thoughts this afternoon. When you walked under the large oak tree near the parking lot and felt something breeze by you that was me. I’ve heard all your cries and thoughts. I was so close to you I wanted to reach out and hold you close in my arms. But I couldn’t. That’s not the way it works. Normally. I was given special permission tonight to become visible to you and show you that you do matter and there is help available when you need it most. All you have to do is ask. Just ask Laurie. Good bye for now. Remember Laurie, Just Ask.

Laurie and Josiah
Laurie and Josiah
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino – I love this photo!
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino
Laurie Boncimino Memoriam
Laurie Boncimino Memoriam
Laurie Boncimino 23rd Birthday
Laurie Boncimino 23rd Birthday
Laurie Boncimino Memorial
Laurie Boncimino Memorial
Laurie Boncimino - Thinking Of You
Laurie Boncimino – Thinking Of You
Remembering Laurie Boncimino
Remembering Laurie Boncimino

L

Somewhere In Arizona

“Something is about to happen. Something very wonderful.”

something2.jpg

This post was composed under the magical influence of Can’t Get It Out Of My Head by ELO

Do You Know What Saudade Means?

Near White Sands, NM
Near White Sands, NM

 

Sometimes when I am riding I start to be overwhelmed by a feeling of saudade. Now this is a word most are not familiar with. It’s rather difficult to explain. It’s a Portuguese word. It’s not nostalgia, it’s not sadness, it’s not longing, it’s not missing something, it’s not sorrow, it’s not a rememberance of days past, it’s not pain, it’s not pleasure, rather it is a mixture of all of the above and then some. There really is no word in English to describe it. One person put it as a pleasure that is lost, a pain that is welcome. Memories flood my mind when I am on the road. Even while I am doing 75 mph instantly in my mind I am transported back to some distant place that is so real and vivid it’s like I am actually there. I guess I have the world’s most vivid imagination and perhaps the world’s most vivid memories. I can close my eyes and I am there! Some call it a waking dream. Instantly I am taken back to someplace in the past and for a few moments I can relive it as if it’s happening right now. Little details jump out at me, things I have not remembered in years. Yet, for a few moments it’s as if I stepped into a time machine and was transported back to relive a certain moment in time. Sorta like my own personal time travel machine.

Highway hypnosis, you know how sometimes you wake up and discover you just traveled 10 miles but you don’t remember it? Your mind was somewhere else yet your conscious mind took care of things like the other cars, your speed and staying in your lane. It was automatic while you were in a distant land inside your head. That’s what I love about motorcycling. It transports you to somewhere else. Yes, you are riding with all the normal things you need to do to stay alive yet once you get up to speed and start to play some of your favorite tunes you are transported to another world. It’s like flying a biplane. If I had the money I would own a Stearman or a Travelair and spend my days traveling all over the country, Canada, Mexico and South America. Perhaps one day… In the meantime it’s motorcycles for me.

Travelair Biplane
Travelair Biplane

Did you ever see that Christopher Reeve movie where he is a Stearman pilot flying mail back in the 30’s? His boss hires out a passenger for him to fly along with the mail. The future of aviation his boss tells him! I love that movie. The cars, the planes, the locations, the free spirits of Christopher Reeve and Rosanna Arquette. Especially Rosanna Arquette!! In this movie she plays a real wildcat. Not content with what her rich, old money father wants for her life, she wants to go her own way. I can relate. If you ever get a chance, watch this movie. I think if I was born around 1905 or 1910 this is how I would have ended up. A Stearman pilot alongside Pancho Barnes doing things my parents would never approve of but those things satisfy my soul like no other. What satisfies your soul? What really, really satisfies your soul? Deep down, deep, deep down. What is it? Can you put a finger on it? Is it something that others expect of you or is it something buried so deep in you that you have never told a single soul? Something yearning to get out. Something that drives you mad because it has not come true yet.

I used to ask folks what they would do in their life if their room and board was taken care of.  In other words, what would you spend your time doing if all your bills, rent and overhead was taken care of. I don’t remember a single one saying they would keep on doing what they were currently doing. They were trading their time for money doing some incredibly boring, soul sucking work. Very few people get to do what they love for a living. What is it you love to do? What is it you would do for 12 hours a day for the rest of your life? For free. What is it??? Think about it and think about how many years you have left on this rock.

Let me leave you with this quote. I think about it every day. Can you guess who said this?

    When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like, “If you live each day as if it were your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.”

    It made an impression on me… and since then, for the past 33 years I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I’m about to do today.”

    And whenever the answer has been, “no” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

    Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything: all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure… these things just fall away in the face of death… leaving only what is truly important.

    Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked; there is no reason not to follow your heart.

    (Later in the speech…)

    No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to Heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It’s life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.

    Right now, the new is you, but someday not to long from now you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it’s quite true. Your time is limited; so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.

 

 

 

Thw Aviator 1985
The Aviator 1985

 

The Aviator 1985
The Aviator 1985

 

 

Sara – Live 1980 Tucson

 

L

Somewhere In New Mexico

“Something is about to happen. Something very wonderful.”

something2.jpg

This post was composed under the very magical influence of Sara by Stevie Nicks