As I mentioned in a previous post I used to have another blog, Laurie-The-Traveler, that I lost due to credit card billing issues. Hostgator said they could not bring it back from the dead but I did find it on wayback. They had archived most of it. The following is a post I made on April 3rd, 2008. It’s all about a girl named Laurie Boncimino. I spent a long time reading about Laurie on her mom’s blog. Her story really affected me deeply. I still think about her all the time and wonder what went wrong. Her mom said in one of her posts that Laurie wrote a few dark posts in her diary and that those posts will always remain private. I’ve always wondered what those posts were talking about. On the surface she seemed so happy. But inside she was tormented by something. Here is the post I wrote a few years back.

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April 3rd, 2008 at 02:07am

Over the last 4-5 days I have been in a gigantic nostalgic mood. (actually it’s called a saudade mood but there are no words in the English language to describe saudade. Google saudade and read up.) Sometimes it just happens. Flood after flood of old memories assault me. Both good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant. Is this what happens when you grow older? After I watched Cinema Paradiso over the weekend I was reflecting on why so many take so much for granted. No one fully appreciates anything until it is gone. With that in mind I want to introduce you to someone you don’t know. She has the same name as little ol me. Laurie. Laurie Boncimino.

Laurie was born right around the same time when I first started working for myself. She was wearing diapers when I was making my first few independent dollars. She was learning to ride a bike when I first started to get heavy into computers. She was 10 years old when I made my frst sale on the internet. She was 11 when I spent the summer in Russia. She was 13 when I started to sell on Ebay. She was 16 when I spent the winter in Nepal. She was 19 when I spent the summer in Egypt. She was almost 21 when I was in England. When I was in Chicago in 2002 I probably passed within half a mile of her yet we never met. Why you ask. You see, I never even knew about Laurie until this weekend. I don’t even remember how the links took me to her website Laurie Boncimino but I ended up there and read all about Laurie and I read her mother’s blog Barb K that speaks of the last 3 years.

You see, Laurie took her own life 3 years ago. March 2, 2005. At a spot I was visiting 3 years previous almost to the day. There’s just something about this story that hit me hard. Real hard. Her mom has posted many pics of Laurie. Here’s one.

And another.

What could have driven Laurie to take her own life? This is the part that kills me. By all accounts she was happy, in college, engaged, employed. Her mother spoke of some journals they received later from the police that were in her car when it was impounded. Her mom said there were some pages written 3 weeks before to her fiancee and there were a few “darker” pages that Laurie wrote later that evidently went on to explain a little what she was feeling.

“…she is sorry, she is sorry, the pain, no way out, her pride, “I can not handle the stresses of this world…its not made for me.”

Quote from Laurie’s mother: “She left the house that day, saying, “Mom, have a great day. See you tonight. I love you.” Did she have her plan in mind then? It does not seem likely to me. What broke her spirit and her mind? Will I ever have all the pieces? Probably not…”

She had studied the last 3 days for a test she was having later that day. She met with her fiance that morning for coffee around 9am. She left a little later for school and her fiance got a text message in the afternoon around 3pm that she was studying for the 6pm exam. She never showed up for the exam. Her mother knew something was definitely wrong when she did not show up at 5am to open the Starbucks she managed.

2 days later police discovered her Jeep near the Art Institute. They discovered her jacket and cellphone behind Adler Planetarium later Friday. On Saturday they recovered her body from the lake not too far away from where her jacket and cellphone were found. It was 27 degrees that day. The water temperature was 33 degrees. Life expectancy in the freezing water was about 15-30 minutes. In her notes Laurie wrote she waited until dark.

In my mind I go back to when I was there. I remember how freezing cold and windy it was. I try to imagine what it was like that evening as the sun set. More than likely in that secluded area behind the planetarium Laurie was all alone with her thoughts. Sunset that day was at 5:41pm. By 6:30pm all remaining sunlight would have been gone. Darkness and a starry sky above were left. I am left with the thoughts how long did Laurie sit there before making that fateful decision.

Wings Of Desire

Did you ever see Wings Of Desire? In that movie there were two angels that spent their days listening to the thoughts of humans. Sometimes the humans could sense their presence when they were close by. I remember one scene when Cassiel came upon a woman contemplating suicide. She was so lonely and had no one to speak to. Cassiel leaned so close to her cheek while listening to her distressed thoughts. It was such a heart breaking scene.

Along those same lines I wish I could have been behind the planetarium that evening listening to Laurie’s thoughts. Oh how I wish I could have. For 30 minutes to be able to do what Cassiel could. To be able to feel what Laurie felt that dark evening. To be cheek to cheek with her listening to her thoughts as she senses another presence. She looks around and sees nothing. She is aware of something but dismisses it as her imagination. Laurie stands up, removes her jacket and walks to the water’s edge. It is at this point with Laurie standing there looking down at the water, tensing her muscles to jump, that I am allowed to become physical for a moment and call out her name “Laurie”. She freezes for a moment, turns around and asks who’s there. She’s puzzled because for the last few hours she has been alone at this spot. Now someone called her name. Someone close by knew who she was. But that’s impossible, there was no one there a moment ago. Hearing her thoughts I tell her “Yes Laurie, it is possible”.

Midnight, on the water
I saw the oceans daughter
Walking on a wave she came
Staring as she called my name.

Her eyes adjust and she can now see me. She says she doesn’t know me and asks who I am. I tell her I know her name is Laurie Boncimino and I also know why she has spent the last 7 hours down here. I tell her I also know what she was planning on doing 30 seconds ago. “WHO ARE YOU??”  I walk up to her, look into her eyes, hold my hand to her cheek and let my memories pass into her. In 15 seconds she sees who I am and she sees what would have taken place over the next week and over the next 50 years if she had jumped. A lifetime flashes by in seconds. Laurie experiences in 30 seconds what takes most people 50 years to experience. This can’t be real she says, this is some sort of trick, some sort of dream. Yes, that’s it, I’m dreaming all this. You are not real and I will wake up all alone like I was all afternoon. Once again I hold my hand to her cheek and Laurie sees what I see. “Then that means you…are……an……….”

Yes, Laurie, you are correct. I am. But when you go back no one will believe you. They will believe you were under too much stress and saw what you wanted to see. For even now if someone came by all they would see is a young woman standing alone in the dark talking to herself. You can see and hear me because for 30 minutes I was given an opportunity to make you understand what a difference you will make on the lives of people over the next 50 years. To make you understand there are forces of good hard at work in this world but it’s not always easy to see. To let you see for yourself there are other forces at work that do care very deeply about you and your pain. Forces that are so far beyond the physical that it takes something beyond words for you to see it.

When I pressed my hand to your cheek you looked through my eyes. What you saw for the briefest of moments is what I see everyday. You were allowed that vision because of where you were with your life and because you were seconds away from ending it. Not everyone is given that gift. It’s sad but very few are. You were. For the briefest of moments you glanced into the future and saw what you will become. After tonight you will never see me again but you will feel my presence for the rest of your life. When you return, if you decide to relate this story, it will be called a dream or hallucination by the well-meaning, things much worse by those with thorns in their paws. You know what you experienced and nothing will ever change that.

My time is short now Laurie. I just want you to know I heard all your thoughts this afternoon. When you walked under the large oak tree near the parking lot and felt something breeze by you that was me. I’ve heard all your cries and thoughts. I was so close to you I wanted to reach out and hold you close in my arms. But I couldn’t. That’s not the way it works. Normally. I was given special permission tonight to become visible to you and show you that you do matter and there is help available when you need it most. All you have to do is ask. Just ask Laurie. Good bye for now. Remember Laurie, Just Ask.

L

Somewhere In Arizona

“Something is about to happen. Something very wonderful.”

This post was composed under the magical influence of Can’t Get It Out Of My Head by ELO